(These Are) Better Days
It only occurred to me as I’m writing this, I don’t know any stories from my parents’ life between their wedding and having their first child, my brother Dave. Doing the math, they were married in March of ’52 and Dave was born in February of ’53, they didn’t have a lot of newlywed time before family time began.
Shari and I had two-and-a half years, and I’m glad we did. Ah, newlywed life! Oh! The stories! But few I can share. We were newlyweds after all.
But in a real sense, we were flying by the seat of our pants—trying to keep Shari in school and me holding down some form of employment to keep us afloat. I don’t know how we survived! But what an adventure. Galvanizing. Us against the world.
Well my soul checked out missing as I sat listening
To the hours and minutes tickin’ away,
Yeah just sittin’ around waitin’ for my life to begin
While it was all just slippin’ away;
I’m tired of waitin’ for tomorrow to come
Or that train to come roarin’ ‘round the bend,
I got a new suit of clothes a pretty red rose
And a woman I can call my friend.
Our plans were always to start our family early. Granted, we didn’t envision Shari waddling her baby bump across the graduation stage, but hey … that’s another story!
We’d have girls to raise? Lord help me! … Lord help them!
Confession time: My very first prayer as a Dad—right when they handed Amanda to me for the first time, as I cradled all 5 lbs of her in my hands—I prayed, “Lord Jesus, don’t let me fuck this up!” It was as honest a prayer as I’ve ever prayed; the Lord knows, I have fucked a few things up over the years.
I know, it would have been great if I had something profound or pious roll off of my tongue on that most special occasion, but I have to tell you, I believe Jesus totally understood my heart’s cry … and heard my prayer, expletive and all!
My mother-in-law and my relationship took a turn for the better with the arrival of her first grandchild. I like to tease, that’s when she quit looking at me like something she needed to scrape off her shoe. (Tongue in cheek, of course.) That little girl—all four of my little girls—melted my heart and seemed in a greater sense to cement us all as family.
I remember her first visit when Amanda was born. That trip changed forever my view of her. I saw how much she loved her daughter. I saw how much she loved my daughter. I realized many of my perceptions of her were wrong. I began to have some hope, I mean, Dad and Granny could be like oil and water at times … but deep down, they loved one another.
I had the best example for how to be parents. My parents showed me what this new role should look like.
They, of course, were a team. There are so many funny stories that illustrate how Mom balanced Dad out in our family experience. Dad had his faults and flaws. I wouldn’t say he had many, but the ones he did have were the visible kind—a quick temper and an intemperate tongue, for instance.
I’m afraid those traits of his were hard-wired into my DNA. Dave, Doug, and I were just recently talking about which of us caught which of Dad’s attributes. We all agreed, I got all the less desirable ones. You know, pain in the ass …
But charming.
In life, and in our home, Mom and Dad worked together. As a kid, I didn’t think of it in Biblical terms of two becoming one, but in reality, that’s how their marriage flowed. Dad never declared himself head of the household, but that’s who he was to us all. No one ever thought of Mom as second-in-hierarchy in their relationship. Nothing drew Dad’s ire harsher and faster than one of us disrespecting Mom. She wasn’t beneath him; she was above him in his heart. Mom wasn’t submitting to Dad; she was loving him.
When they disagreed about something, or argued, it wasn’t a matter of one winning and the other losing. It was more give and take; whichever decision was made, they went forward together, united, never looking back. Again, at that point in my life, no one was quoting 1 Cor. 13:5, “Love keeps no records of wrongs,” but Mom and Dad were just embodying it. Whenever they’d disagree, and no matter what it was about, it wasn’t more important than the whole. And we all knew it. That’s a great gift to have as a kid growing up.
That is how I always imagined my marriage, family, and household would go.
To be continued …
