Author: darin

Wanted: Stephani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, 5’1″, 125lbs. Last seen wearing clown-like make-up and an outfit made entirely out of red meat. If she’s discovered while composing lyrics, she should be considered armed and dangerous. This is a job for … Grammar Man!

The Case of Ghastly Gaga Grammar

In today’s episode our hero has been called upon to right the world in the wake of Lady Gaga’s repeated pronoun abuses. Teens everywhere are being brainwashed. You and me? You and I? You and me and I, oh my! Help! Grammar Man!

Consider Gaga’s 2009 smash hit Bad Romance. The line that serves up the song’s title reads, “You and me could write a bad romance.” Could they really? But the faux pas don’t end there. Consider next her 2011 single You & I. Though she tried to cleverly couch her grammar gaff amidst samples of legendary rock band Queen’s mega hit We Will Rock You, the lyric repeatedly includes the line “You and I, You and I, Something about you and I.” Uh, no.

Grammatically speaking, the respective lines should read “You and I could write a bad romance” and “You and me … something about you and me.” Shame on you, Gaga! Shame. On. You.

To be fair, I acknowledge that sometimes we struggle with when to use ‘me’ and when to use ‘I’ because a well-meaning teacher, parent or do-gooder scolded a correction at us, “Not you and me! It’s you and I.” Uh, perhaps. Don’t allow correctional certitude to trump proper grammartude (that’s a made up word, but Grammar Man reserves the right to make up words while in the act of fighting for literacy).

Me or I? Grammar Man has a very easy little trick to help assure you never get this wrong again. Are you ready for this? Wait for it. … Wait some more. …Just a little longer. … (I know. Grammar Man is being annoying now.)

Simply take the ‘you and’ out of the sentence and you will never get this wrong again. An example? ‘You and me should listen to Lady Gaga’ or ‘You and I should listen to Lady Gaga’? Technically, neither of us should listen to Lady Gaga, we’ll come away grammatically dumber for the experience. But if we’re choosing between the two sentences, drop the ‘you and’ — Would you say ‘me should listen to’ or ‘I should listen to’? Voila! You got it.

Another? ‘Lady Gaga invited you and I backstage’ or ‘Lady Gaga invited you and me backstage’ — which one is correct? Your turn. I’ll wait. … Still waiting. … If you said ‘me’ than you’re on your way to the head of the class. And worth noting: I just used you’re and your in the same sentence–another couple of words that are frequently tangled and mangled. Perhaps another case for … Grammar Man!

Tune in next time when Grammar Man sets out to help waiters and waitresses everywhere avoid embarrassment.

Can you think of other common word or punctuation errors that trouble society? Trouble you, personally?

Over the next eight weeks I am participating in a writing class offered through the Literary Kitchen and one of my writing mentors, Ariel Gore. Among our assignments each week is a weekly ‘Quick Write’ practice, which is to be completed in ten minutes or less, in response to a prompt. For this first QW, the prompt was ‘Tell the story of running into someone who you didn’t really want to run into.’ Here’s my reply to QW#1:

It was a Monday like every other. I dragged myself out of bed and stumbled past the family at the breakfast table, tanking up for a day at school. Routine–I rounded the table as I passed them, greeting each with a good morning kiss on the top of the head.

Practically sleepwalking, I was into the bathroom, disrobed and in the shower without thinking about it. Like a million times before, I grabbed the shower curtain to pull it closed. A thud at my feet and sudden movement jarred me from any remaining slumber. An eastern rattlesnake had dropped between my feet. The wake-up efficiency was espresso, squared.

If only a video existed. I somehow went up and out, taking the shower curtain, rod and a pound or so of wall plaster with me as I exited the tub. I screamed something. I don’t remember what, though my wife recalled that it included “Jesus!” and a string of expletives we should expect to hear repeated by the kids.

The serpent and I engaged in a brief stare down. He won.

Naked! I have to tell you, the first thought that crossed my mind was that I was buck-naked and should this snake bite me, paramedics would arrive, and … Underwear! I reached for the briefs. What a relief! Amazing how the thought of dying in your underwear as opposed to out of them makes a difference. Now, what to do?

The serpent was turning circles, rattling his tail, and cussing little snake words no doubt, because he couldn’t scale the sides of the antique tub. My wife kept it scoured–slick, slick, slick. Never again would I complain about how slippery that old tub could get. He had probably worked for an hour to get up in the curtain, moments from escape, when my morning ritual foiled his plan.

All I had at my disposal was a wastebasket and a long handled back scrubbing brush. And my underwear. What more does a man need to protect his family? ‘It’s you and me, serpent! Let’s dance!’

So there you have it. Hope you enjoyed. Have you ever written a short/quick to a prompt like this before? Good practice? Or aggravating?