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Every time I hear it on the radio, I cringe: Eric Clapton crooning, ‘Lay down Sally!’ My heart longs to hear someone interrupt the song and say, “Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! It’s … GRAMMAR MAN!”

The Case of Eric Clapton’s 1977 hit, ‘Lay [sic] Down Sally’

In today’s episode, the villainous Mr. Slowhand has launched a sinister plot to besmirch the English language–he’s created a musical hook and riddled the title with verb confusion. Is there any hope for mankind? This looks like a job for Grammar Man!

Lay vs. Lie. What’s a writer (or public speaker) to choose?

The key to knowing when to use lay and when to use lie is to recognize the difference between a transitive verb and an intransitive verb. Note the prefix trans. Think transfer. A verb is action. A transitive verb transfers its action to an object. You with me so far? Note the pre-prefix in in the word intransitive. (I know that’s not a technical term, pre-prefix, I just made it up. I can do that. I’m Grammar Man, dammit!) The prefix in most often means not, as in indestructible, for instance. So, in other words, intransitive is a verb not transferring its action to a specific object. Still with me?

Take the verb drive. My teenager Becca wants to drive the car. Transitive! Bec wants to drive what? The car. What if a boy called, and asked if he and Becca could go for a drive? In this example, drive is intransitive. If you ask the question ‘drive what?’ you don’t get an answer. Quiz time: If a boy called suggesting he and Becca go for a drive, Dad might shoot the boy. Shoot, in that sentence–transitive or intransitive? See how easy this is? Fun, too.

Mr. Clapton should have considered a grammatically correct title. Perhaps, “Lie Down Sally” or “Lay in My Arms, Sally.” Wait a minute. Does Sally’s father own a gun?

Methinks the next time you find yourself at a Karaoke Bar and you’ve had a few beers, you should consider doing humanity a great justice. Grab a microphone. Tell the DJ to dial up the Clapton hit, and educate the people!

In our next episode, boys and girls, Grammar Man will explain what [sic] means.

What common grammar errors drive you crazy? Are there words, phrases or punctuation marks commonly misused that cause you to cringe? Can Grammar Man help?

I’d asked her. She’d said yes. Just like that, we were going out.

We didn’t actually go anywhere, mind you. When you’re twelve, there aren’t too many places you can go without grown-up assistance. But if there would have been any going to do, I’m sure we’d have done it together. We did ride the same school bus. We sat together and everything. It was a proud feeling, I remember. Her name was Doreen, but that didn’t really matter. She was a girl, and not just any girl—she was my girl. At lunchtime other kids would say to me, “Are you the guy who’s going out with Doreen?” Yep. That’s me. Share a seat with her on the bus, I do.

Our relationship lasted about three weeks. That’s like a silver anniversary in middle school years. Alas, it ended when Doreen developed a crush on the new kid.

The new kid moved in down the end of the street. He came to our bus stop but he didn’t speak to anyone. He stood around like a mute. We didn’t even know his name. The girls called him Ewee. Yep, pronounced just like it looks, Ew—ee.

Where did he get a name like that? Were his parents high when they named him? Had they stepped in something?

Doreen vacated the seat next to me to sit next to … Ewee.

I played it cool. On the bus I sat with my back to the window. I stretched my legs out on the seat—no room for any girls, least of all a certain girl who chose to sit next to a pile of … Ewee.

Truth is, it was an anxious season for me. The harsh reality: I was the kid dumped by a girl for a kid named … you know.

Another girl named Leslie rode our bus. One day she sat next to me. You bet I moved my feet and made room for her—she was the only girl on the bus that hadn’t succumbed to the spell of Ewee.

“It comes from a song,” she told me. “Ewee. It’s part of the Pointer Sisters’ song ‘He’s So Shy.’” I must have looked like I needed further explanation, as indeed I did. She began to quietly sing the lyric, “’He’s so shy! So good looking! He’s so shy! He’s really got me going! That sweet little boy who caught my eye; Ew-ee, ew-ee, baby!’”

Ewee, ewee, baby? Is it any wonder I didn’t listen to the Pointer Sisters? Like she was reading my mind, Leslie snarked, “I know. Stupid, isn’t it?”

It was at that very moment I noticed how incredibly attractive Leslie was. I went with the impulse, “Do you want to go out with me?”

I think she replied, “Ew.”

An excerpt from Story of Me, a memoir in short stories.